When is the right time?

Vangelis Skoufas: When is the right time?
I am Vangelis Skoufas. I was born in 1981, I am 41 years old and for the last 15
years I have lived in Athens. I realized that I was a homosexual at a very young
age. For as long as I remember, anytime I touched myself, I always thought of
boys. But growing up in a smaller city like Thessaloniki it was very difficult, at least
at a young age, to accept my sexual identity. It took me a very long time to be
able to accept who I actually was. Nevertheless I had my first sexual experience
with a boy at age 15. . . shortly thereafter another experience, that one with a
girl. For several years I tried to resist my sexuality. I tried hard to have sexual
experiences with women in an attempt to “correct” myself. But finally I realized
that in essence a gay man is born gay and that what really makes me happy is
accepting my sexual identity as it is, as gay. Of course, it took me far too long to
get there.
It started essentially at age 25, when, during some summer holidays I met my first
love. I was going back and forth between Athens and Thessaloniki because my
partner was in Athens at the time. In a very short period of time I had a proposal
from him. He asked: “Vangelis, since you like Athens so much, why don’t you
come here to stay?”
It started as an experiment. I can’t hide the fact that, at first, it scared me
because I knew that making that decision would mean there was no turning
back . Because in essence it was the first time that I allowed myself to live the life
I wanted to live. I knew it was going to be a difficult road. It’s much harder to be
gay than it is to be heterosexual in our society. Of course I was very, very lucky.
When I started this relationship at 25, which lasted until I was 29, I remember that
there were very few people who actually knew the truth about me. That’s
because I was still debating whether or not I actually wanted to make my
identity public. Because in the back of my mind, in that first era, I wasn’t totally
sure whether this same-sex relationship would be followed by others in the future.
Which meant that in the back of my mind there was a small possibility that I
might at some point return to a heterosexual life. It may have been an
internalized homophobia, as it’s called. Which of course was a very unrealistic
thought because after my first relationship ended, which lasted 4 years, all my
subsequent sexual experiences, whether they were one night stands or
relationships, the vast majority were with men, with the exception of three times
when I tried to do something with a woman – well, with different women – it
didn’t work out. So in my next long-term relationship with a man, I realized that
what makes me happy, and who I really am is inseparable from my gay identity.
I can say that I have been very, very lucky, at least unlike other cases of some
gay people I know, because from the first moment I came to Athens, no matter
how much I tried to limit myself to half truths, and when I say half truths I mean
that I had the habit of speaking generally about my relationship without ever
specifying the gender of my partner. When I came to Athens, which was in
November of 2007, I was already a member of the Synaspismos youth
organization. My political colleagues understood right away that this vague
relationship I was talking about was a same-sex relationship. So despite my fear
and my hesitation, I found myself in an environment that was very supportive.
From the very first moment, having understood what was happening in my
sexuality, in my relationship, and therefore in my everyday life, my political
partners explained to me, “you should not be afraid of who you are. You must
accept who you are and not only that, by being involved in the community, it is
our duty to try to bring about some changes that will improve the lives of LGBT
people and make society more inclusive.” So yes, in this gray area in which I was
living I was very lucky, because it was my political colleagues who pushed me,
firstly, to accept without fear who I am and have the courage to speak freely
and publicly about my identity and secondly, to help me set a bigger goal. That
is, as a member of the youth at that time, to work toward the common goal of
addressing discrimination anywhere it may be experienced in the pursuit of an
inclusive society.
I won’t deny that, the first time I spoke publicly about who I really am, I was so
nervous. I was scared out of my mind because I didn’t know what the reaction
of the audience would be after watching a gay person talk about their sexual
identity and all the things that need to change, for example, marriage equality,
adoption and parentage rights, health changes in work, education and so on.
By the time I finished — I still remember it and I’m very moved — I faced this
huge auditorium, packed full of people, who were all applauding, and my
then-partner bursting into tears. All this acceptance, all these supportive
messages that I received at that moment made me feel very lucky. I was able
to speak out freely and be supported, and I realized that I had been wrong to
be afraid of who I was for all those years.
I felt that since I had such a strong level of acceptance in my life, I had the
obligation to take the lead, along with some others, within the party, which was
then called Synaspismos, in order to bring some changes. I wanted this
egalitarian, supportive environment to become the norm, and not an exception
that happens in some organizing areas only.
Ιn November 2013, the Democratic Left party submitted a proposal for civil
union and two days later, SYRIZA submitted a corresponding proposal. At that
time, the government was composed of New Democracy, the right wing party,
and PASOK, the socialist party. Unfortunately, the parliamentary debate for
these proposals happened at the time that parliament was focused on the
proposed anti-discrimination bill, which stated that all people living in Greece
should be able to live free from discrimination on the basis of race, language,
national origin, religion, and political belief.
I say unfortunately because all the reactions, mainly from the New Democracy
party, were extremely negative, despite the fact that our country had recently
been condemned by the European Court of Human Rights because it was not
possible in our country for same-sex couples to attain legal recognition of their
relationships in any way. Unfortunately, civil unions did not become available to
same-sex couples until after the elections of January 2015.
So here we were in November and December 2014. The anti-discrimination bill
was passed. However, there had been amendments to the anti-discrimination
that included the civil partnership law and those amendments did not survive.
This was mainly due to the opposition of the hard right members of the New
Democracy party, as well the vocal opposition of the Greek Orthodox church.
They said that the bells would ring mournfully if our country accepted legislative
equality in marriage. At the same time, the extreme right organization Golden
Dawn had grown and as was confirmed officially later on, there had been
discussions between parts of the New Democracy and the Golden Dawn. All of
these factors contributed to the failure to pass the civil partnership agreement in
2014.
Then came the elections in January 2015 and SYRIZA won a historic majority. In
December 2015 there was a huge joy, the first big victory for the Greek LGBTI
community happened. For the first time, a groundbreaking law for the LGBTI
community was passed: the civil partnership agreement. This was a moment of
recognizing human rights and ending legal discrimination. For the first time,
same-sex couples in Greece could attain legal recognition and gain some–but
not all– of the rights that married couples have.
Right away, of course, those of us who support the rights of the LGBTI community
felt that SYRIZA had the obligation to go further and proceed with other issues,
such as civil marriage for same-sex couples and legal protections for family
formation, and the legal recognition of gender identity. Therefore, the hard work
continued. And two years later, if I remember correctly it was in October or
November of 2017, another emblematic bill was passed, thanks to efforts, mainly
of the transgender support organization SYD. For the first time in our country,
transgender people gained the right to change their legal gender without
having to go through medical procedures or meeting a set of imposed criteria.
There were also a few court decisions in the preceding months that concurred
with the legislation in supporting the right of trans people to change their names
and gender markers. This is a process that is extremely important for transgender
people because unfortunately, even today they are still among those who are
most marginalized. Unfortunately there are even many gay, lesbian, and
bisexual people who find it very difficult to understand the difficulties that a trans
person may face, whether we are talking about challenges that may arise at
home during childhood, or in school, and in the workplace. This move was
therefore a second huge victory for the LGBTI community in Greece.
In the meantime, more legislation addressing equality had also been passed,
such as the law on equal treatment. However, this law still had some gaps,
because discrimination in the field of education was not addressed and neither
was discrimination in the service industry or in housing. So it was still possible for
LGBTI people to face bias in shops or struggle to find accommodation due to
their sexual orientation, gender identity or gender expression.
Another important bill that was passed during this period concerns the right of
same-sex couples who have established a civil partnership to serve jointly as
foster parents. Fostering, of course, compared to permanent adoption is
different in the sense that the legal status of the child does not change. In foster
care, a child may at some point be reunified with their family of origin. Foster
situations can be very emotionally difficult; imagine a foster family raising a child
for a period of time, and how they must feel when that child is reunited with their
family of origin. I think that’s why foster parents draw on a profound feeling of
solidarity with fellow human beings who are experiencing a very difficult phase
of life.
Of course, I want to be absolutely clear that the law on the legal recognition of
gender identity also has some negative aspects. The positive aspects are that,
at least for adults, there is no obligation to provide certain psychiatric
diagnoses, as the Council of Europe’s own recommendations stipulate.
However, unfortunately it’s not possible for people under the age of 15 to
change their documents. What do we make of this? This leads to very specific
forms of discrimination. Imagine a child in a school environment in which the
gender on their records does not match their identity, and therefore teachers
and classmates are not respecting the child’s social gender.
Another problem with the existing legislation is that the procedure it outlines for
trans people in Greece to change their documents is very difficult. It requires a
judicial process, instead of an extrajudicial process as exists in many other
countries. A judicial procedure requires hiring lawyers, whose fees can be more
than one thousand five hundred euros. Therefore if a person lacks this financial
capacity, they cannot immediately change their documents.
Unfortunately, when the legal recognition of gender identity law was being
discussed in parliament, not all political parties had a positive reaction. All of us
in the Greek LGBTI community remember the transphobic statement given on
the floor of the parliament by Kyriakos Mitsotakis who was then the President of
the New Democracy party and is now the Prime Minister of Greece. Mitsotakis
did not hesitate to use the most transphobic words that someone could use. In
his keynote speech he told an extremely transphobic anecdote of a child who
had supposedly been convinced to pursue gender transition after meeting and
conversing with an alien. This offensive speech made an absolute mockery of
trans people, to put it lightly.
And we can’t ignore that the New Democracy party has two openly gay
politicians, Yatromanolakis and Patelis, which is the first time that this has actually
happened. Likewise, it is also positive that some human rights issues have
garnered a parliamentary vote, even in the form of an amendment, because
even though it is not the same as bringing an issue for discussion as a main topic
in the Greek parliament, it is still important to try to gain human rights even
through backdoor strategies for a group like the LGBT community. So it is really
important that the abolition of blood donation for homosexuals was able to
happen under the right wing New Democracy government, and some
legislation including hiring incentives for transgender people has been passed in
the past three years. Of course, it is important to stress that unfortunately this
particular policy has not, at least to date, been widely accepted. So far it has
only been used in two cases of trans people.
Of course at the same time we see that there are important needs concerning
protection in the family, the protection of children’s rights, discrimination in
medicine and in education, and these needs are not getting enough political
attention.
In 2019, SYRIZA had already stated that it would include the rights to civil
marriage and to adoption for same-sex couples in its core commitments for the
next four years. This promise was confirmed recently, in June 2022, when for the
first time in our country, a draft law was submitted defending the rights of all
people to access the institution of civil marriage and of adoption. This legislation
supports the conviction that the right to create a family beyond two people is
universal, and should apply to all people regardless of sexual orientation,
identity, expression or other characteristics.
New Democracy could take advantage of this opportunity that SYRIZA is
providing to propose a corresponding legislative proposal for marriage equality.
Yet, due to the far-right core that still drives their agenda, New Democracy has
refused to even bring the marriage equality proposal to debate in parliament.
So it is a huge blow for us here in Greece that there is currently a proposal for
marriage equality on the table yet it has not been debated even after five
months, and it appears that it will not be debated in the coming months
because New Democracy is stuck pandering to its far-right audience. It is stuck
on the fear of losing votes, it is stuck on the reactions of a certain circle, for
example the conservative voices within the Greek church, who say, “once you
vote for gay marriage, we will never vote for you again.”
Advocating for human rights should not be about whether a party gains a
majority government again or not, it should be about championing equality first
and foremost, the human being itself, the rights that every child should have. Let
us not forget the fact that there are already families in Greece formed by
same-sex parents. In these families, whether they are formed through adoption
or assisted reproductive technology, only one parent can attain legal
recognition, even when we are talking about two-parent families.
I believe that it is very important for all political parties to support human rights
and to do so at every moment, whether currently in government or in the
opposition. And to prove this commitment, a party must take action, submitting
legislative proposals whenever the opportunity arises. So it has to be a common
goal, and here I am referring to people who may be members of different
political parties, that if you really defend the rights of the LGBTI community, it is
your obligation both to submit legislative proposals and, if you are given the
opportunity by other political parties, push your leaders, push your decision
makers, to discuss those legislative proposals. If these proposals are not
discussed, if they are left in the trash, it is unfortunately as if you yourself, who
claim to defend the rights of the LGBTI community, are throwing us LGBTI citizens
into the trash. And in that case any other efforts you make are clearly insincere,
just a PR trick to make you seem like a supporter of LGBTI rights.
We understand that as long as LGBTI people experience discrimination, with
every day that passes in which we do not work to eliminate that discrimination, it
multiplies. We do not have the luxury in the present circumstances to say that
now is not the time. If now is not the right time —now, when there are so many
children in institutions, and families with same-sex parents who can’t access
equitable parenting rights—when is the right time?
And let’s say OK, the next time that SYRIZA is voted into majority government,
these changes will be implemented. But even if this happens one year from
now, one year is still a significant delay. The legal discrimination must be
addressed as soon as possible in order to establish protection for LGBTI people
and their families, and also to ensure that all people have the right to access the
protections offered by the legal institution of civil marriage.
The leader of SYRIZA, Alexis Tsipras has stated that his party, in addition to its six
commitments to address the issue of poverty and the challenges of the labor
market, has also added a very basic pillar to its platform: the defense of human
rights. Therein, SYRIZA has committed to implementing marriage equality for all
couples with full rights, including adoption rights, and to institute a robust legal
recognition of femicide when the party next gains a ruling majority.
This past summer the LGBT contingent of SYRIZA worked to raise awareness
about marriage equality by creating and distributing a short film. In my personal
opinion, this video captures the heart of the matter in the most appropriate way.
It depicts the experience of a same-sex couple raising a child, in which one
parent has all the rights and obligations that come with legal parentage and
the other parent is denied that opportunity. I think it’s very touching and does a
good job of educating people about these issues. I’ve been so happy that
people of all ages who have seen it have said the most positive things. One
striking example I have is of a 19-year-old who recently spoke to his mother
about the fact that he is gay. His mother had seen this short film and was so
touched. She told her son, “My dear, if you really want to build a family at some
point, just as you are, as a homosexual, and be with your partner and have
children, it is very important to me that you have the opportunity to do so.”
Of course, things don’t begin and end with marriage equality. There are so
many other changes that need to be made. First and foremost, in the domain of
education broadly, at all age levels, so that school textbooks are indeed
inclusive, so that they reflect the diversity of modern society, even in Greece. A
school that treats children as equals in practice and in everyday life sets the
foundation for every child and every student, whether he or she is gay, bisexual,
lesbian, or transgender, or has LGBT parents, to see themselves as equal
members of society. It is so important for young people to understand that there
isn’t anything wrong with them in all of their diversity. If there are no changes in
the education system, then unfortunately we will continue to be too far behind
as we are today. It is education that creates our society, it is education that
shapes our citizens and, in fact, it is education that, if it is as it should be, lays the
groundwork for us to achieve equality in the workplace, in our social
environment, and in our family environment. So yes, change in education too.
Yes!
What do we mean by change in education? Inclusive textbooks, properly
trained teachers, in collaboration and conversation with LGBTI communities.
Turning to the very people who have been involved and know at their core
what problems children may face, in order to prevent more cases like the
harassment of Vaggelis Giakoumakis. This is a case that ended so tragically with
a young person losing his life. We must stop allowing people’s lives to be
destroyed in their own school environment as well as out in society. If we want to
break taboos against LGBTI people and come to a state of equality, changes in
the education system are important and necessary.
In addition to seeing changes in education we need to create positive
incentives for hiring people from marginalized groups, at least until there is an
end to discrimination. I am referring to quotas, special bonuses that can be
given to employers, so that LGBTI people themselves can have real, equal
access to the labor market. Also, there are still so many challenges trans people
face in health care facilities. We need appropriately trained health care
providers and full access to necessary care. So all of these areas are key
priorities for the LGBTI movement.
One of the basic demands of the LGBTI community is that any treatment trans
people may need — such as hormone therapy, gender confirmation surgeries
— should be covered, through the public health system in our country, free of
charge to every single person. To that end, a committee had already been set
up, back when SYRIZA was in power, that included experts from SYD, the
Association for the Support of Transgender People, as well as legal advisors such
as Vassilis Sotiropoulos. Unfortunately, the current government, as soon as it took
power, left the committee’s recommendations locked in a cupboard, refusing
to address all the necessary improvements. So, for three years now there has
been no improvement in public healthcare for transgender people.
While we’re seeing legislative changes that defend human rights and, in this
particular case the rights of the LGBTI community, I am also very pleasantly
surprised that we’re simultaneously witnessing changes in film, in television series,
and even in advertising as far as LGBTI visibility and inclusion. And speaking as
someone who has been particularly involved in the last few years with the LGBTI
organizations, I believe that one of the things that Greece should do, as other
European countries have done, is use the European funding resources that exist
so that we can do a more methodical job.
Now, apart from my political colleagues, who, as I mentioned earlier, helped me
a great deal in accepting my sexual identity, I have also been very lucky to
have a supportive family. When I was in my first gay relationship, one of the first
people who happened to learn about my relationship was my older sister. I was
very nervous to talk to her about it, but it went well and as soon as I had
confided in her I felt so much freer. In that first conversation she told me:
“Vangelis, if this really makes you happy, if you really feel that what you are
doing expresses yourself, and it gives you joy, and it is part of your identity, you
should keep enjoying this very beautiful relationship that you have, and I am
very happy that you told me. Don’t be afraid of anything.”
So, inspired by this conversation I had with my sister, I want to encourage the
people who are listening, whether they themselves are queer, or wether they
suspect that someone in their family is gay, lesbian, or transgender… Talk to your
children, talk to your siblings. Give them the opportunity to tell you who they
really are, because this opening up is perhaps one of the most important
elements of every person’s daily life. It is so important for us to know that in
addition to our friends, our own family accepts us.
I had more or less the same experience with my mother. At first it seemed
strange to her. In the beginning she was in a state of shock, quite unpleasant I
can say, but she got past her reaction very quickly. After that, in all my
subsequent relationships, it was extremely important that she accepted my
partners with great warmth. Accepting my relationships is an important
component of accepting me, her child. It is so important to maintain the trust
that you have with your own parents. We need families that talk openly, families
that support their children. If we really love our children, if we really love our
brothers and sisters, we love them for who they really are, and not the idea of
who we want them to be. Every person has their own uniqueness, their own
identity and if they are truly happy, then yes we should be completely
supportive of them.
When someone is completely accepted, they can stop living with all the
self-doubt that comes from living in a conservative society. There has to be
confidence, there has to be love, there has to be care, there has to be
concern, so that our lives continue to be as full as they should be. It is very
unpleasant when we do not accept our brothers and sisters, when we do not
accept our children. It takes a psychological toll that can lead to very
self-destructive behavior. Family inclusion and acceptance really is so
important.
I can’t say that all my relationships have been perfect, of course they all had
positives and negatives. I’ve been in relationships in which my partner wanted to
control my self-expression and tried to bring me into their own orbit, making
demands that under different circumstances I might not have followed. But I
have also found people who are truly loving, caring, and concerned with my
well-being, people who are trying to do the best they can for me and for our
relationship.
I also want to mention another person that I met who became very important to
me. The first thing he said was, “Vangelis, you have all the necessary tools. If
there’s one thing you should do to help yourself, it’s to talk much more openly
about who you are, whether it’s with your friends, your family, or with a
psychologist. Because for LGBT people, many things that we have experienced
in the past, whether it’s discrimination that may be in our school environment, or
in our own family, when we break these barriers, when we unravel these knots
and talk freely about experiences that we have had, then we really get to know
ourselves much better. And then, our lives can have a much better balance,
even just how we exist in the rhythm of everyday life. How we wake up, how we
plan our day, how we treat our desires, what goals we set.” So, yes, I will say that
the therapy that I’ve been doing recently has improved me in so many ways
and I’m glad. Whether I’m talking to people in my family or my best friends, to
people who have known me for several years, they witness a new calmness in
me, they see the ways in which I am taking more care of myself in my daily life,
and they see that I plan things much better.
As far as the younger generation goes, I can share a very pleasant surprise that I
have found in my own family, which is the relationship that I have with my niece.
For many years I hesitated to talk about my sexuality in front of her. However she
realized, when she met me at some point with one of my partners in Athens.
After a few days she asked her mother, my sister, “Is Vangelis gay?” and her
mother replied that I am. Since then she has been my best friend. I can discuss
everything with her and it’s very encouraging that the young generation, I’m
talking about a girl who has just started university, treats diversity itself as if there
is no issue, and as if other people are equal, just as they should be in a modern
society. So yes, our family, our friends, our colleagues, should be the first people
who, if they really love us, should accept us just as we are! That’s it.